New Mexico Mercury

Ridiculous Flix

Adam Sandler, the famous comedian, is making a movie called Ridiculous Six, but Native American actors got all upset because Native American women characters in the movie were given names like "Beaver Breath" and "Wears No Bra." I couldn’t stop laughing at these very clever, very funny names that most certainly would have maximum impact after six or so Buds.  

Very famous, very funny person Adam Sandler, I hear, actually plays an “Indian” in the movie. Here’s an uproarious thing the very funny man said when people started to confront him about disrespecting Native American ways. Basically Adam Sandler said the movie was a satire, so get over it already...

Semolina

Semolina is a nearly 14,000 acre new proposed community in Southwest Bernco named for coarse, purified wheat middlings, a very romantic association, if I do say so.

If approved by the Bernco Commission, Semolina could maybe possibly potentially bring in 38,000 imaginary residents for 75,000 existentially deficient invisible jobs. Good deal and just in time.  These ghosts will bring their own water from wherever, so not to worry. The water thing is just a Trojan horse anyway, or a horse of another color, so back up your hard drive and get over it...

Numbfecu Forever

It’s been a couple of weeks since my credit union, Numbfecu became Nusenda, and praise be, I have survived the name change. Yes, this is one of those delightful and quirky kind of New Mexico stories that always leave you laughing and never leave you numb, not like yesteryear, not like say the day Susana came swooping down like a Cooper’s hawk on our social services and shuttered places like Hogares in the North Valley, places that had been operating for forty years. All these local providers who had been serving New Mexico communities for so long were all criminals. In fact so heinous were their crimes, that they had to be driven away before anyone could assess their evil, which was disclosed by a Grand Audit showing just how crooked all these social services really were...

I Love Spineroosms, Don’t You?

As our fantastic governor knows full well, most people in our glorious state are either garbage, or they simply don’t exist. New Mexico Native Americans for sure exemplify the non-existent, erased people as shown forth by recent event on Native American Day at the Round House.

For the first time in living memory, tribal leaders were not invited to address the State Legislature, now dominated by sensitive, warm, and fuzzy Republicans. Instead, Queen Susana herself took the podium and held forth to tell everybody she knows all about this Native American thingy and what to do about it, and how big she is, and how great everything is with the New Mexico tribal types...

McMartinez Wants to Slash McDrug Court Money

The rumor is spreading, but I don’t believe a word of it.   The McGovernor’s trusted McAdvisor, Jay McCleskey runs the McMartinez Administration from an opulent underground chamber ‘neath the McRound McHouse. Perhaps Jay hisself is responsible for the latest McIdea to come from McSusana: Let’s slash funding for New McMexico’s Drug Courts!

We can save beaucoup McBucks.  And we can help at least a hundred deadbeat human garbage addicts back into the criminal justice system where they belong...

We’re Number One!

The affluent and prosperous First World United States where everybody regardless of color or creed can get stinking rich proudly records more kids needing food assistance than any other civilized country except… Romania.

New Mexico, since we’re by most measures second poorest state in the U.S., does the United States proud. We here in NM in every way equal Romania. We are tied for number one! New Mexico and Romania have more starving children than anyplace where there’s a Walmart, except Romania doesn’t have a marketing tzar to head its skeletal child welfare services. We do!...

Rio Rancor Genius Scores Legislative Highs

In a sweeping move showing the depth and scope of local Republican strategizing, the profound humanity and insight of conservatism, Rio Rancor legislator Craig Brandt wants to prohibit some public school activity fees because they are, in his humble opinion, UNCONSTITUTIONAL!

You know, junk like science lab class fees where they might teach evolution and garbage like that, or fine arts class fees that encourage students to become culturally corrupted, or special education fees that promote the coddling of inferior children, or library fees that might stimulate free thinking, reading banned books and other executable offenses...

Forever Gov Chooses Tourism Head to Run CYFD

Our once and forever governor has once and forever shown the brilliant executive smarts to tap State Dept. of Tourism head Monique Jacobson to run CYFD because Monique knows two things: how to market stuff, how to bleed more money from Nuevo Mexico to feed vampires from out of state who seem to be Monique’s and Susana’s best friends...

Rio Rancor Public Schools: Doin’ the Inquisition Boogie

I’ve always thought, and I’m sure you’ll agree, that the Inquisition marks a highpoint in human history. When incidents such as what happened recently at V. Sue Cleveland High (see last week’s post) or public figures like V. Sue Cleveland herself, the Grand Superintendent of the Rio Rancor educational fiefdom who actually has a high school named for her, when this stuff burns itself into my frail synapses, I am reminded of the good old days when we used to roast disagreeable folks, or drown them and hope and pray they would confess to being minions of Satan...

A Little Story about Satan and the Rio Ratchet Schools

Have you heard about Katrina Guarascio, the former Rio Ratchet Cleveland High School teacher and poet whose real name is S-A-T-A-N? Satan, I mean Guarascio wanted to make the classroom a safe place where students could express themselves freely. Can you believe that?

In her creative writing class, Satan-Guarascio asked her students to take a fairy tale or legend and rewrite it for our own enlightened, forgiving, tolerant, and compassionate times.

One of the kids in her class compared the story of Jesus, the loaves and fish in the Bible to Jesus handing out medical marijuana to patients today...