In a sweeping move showing the depth and scope of local Republican strategizing, the profound humanity and insight of conservatism, Rio Rancor legislator Craig Brandt wants to prohibit some public school activity fees because they are, in his humble opinion, UNCONSTITUTIONAL!
You know, junk like science lab class fees where they might teach evolution and garbage like that, or fine arts class fees that encourage students to become culturally corrupted, or special education fees that promote the coddling of inferior children, or library fees that might stimulate free thinking, reading banned books and other executable offenses. None of these perfectly logical and good-for-everyone reasons really say why Craig wants to eliminate these onerous hidden education taxes, however.
He doesn’t mind paying them himself, mind you. Oh, did I say, Craig used to belong to that enlightened educational body, the Rio Rancor Public School Board, and, if I’m not mistaken, his kids go to that bastion of profound wisdom and boredom, V. Sue Cleveland High, so Craig knows about fees, by golly.
It’s not the piddling little amounts that a relatively affluent guy like Craig can easily slough off like a molting bird shedding its feathers. What gets Craig all hot under the collar is the principle of the thing! The state constitution is like God, immutable and eternal, given to us by some dude who looked very much like Moses with a big beard and everything.
Craig Brandt is putting together a bill to respond to this constitutional crisis generated by these terrible school fees. The legislation won’t apply to school clubs like the Young Republicans, or athletic teams that you can bet on, or parking passes. The right to park and pay a fee is engraved on the cheekstones of the founding fathers.
If Craig’s legislative genius move has some kind of unforeseen negative impact on the classes impacted by these fees, well that certainly is not the intention. The intention is to support, aid, and abet the constitution of our state in showing our youth what is important, what is vital about making government and education ever smaller and more picayune with every passing moment.