New Mexico Mercury

Suzyredux

Did you notice that her Suzerainship wants everybody on foodstamps in New M. to work for their food…twenty hours a week?  I sure didn’t. That’s half time at Mcjobs. All these damn foodstompers will have to get airjobs in the wonderful Albuquerque airjob market and work half of their waking and sleeping hours for their airfood. That’s what her Susership proposes. That’s why she wants to be governor again. It’s the vision thing...

Mayor Attends Mental Health Training

Burque Mayor Bichard Merry recently attended a mental health training here in town.  Puffing up his chest in immense pride, Mayor Merry bragged that our city is on the national forefront in addressing the gap in urban mental health services by simply killing the mentally ill. 

Saying that offing the mentally ill was both entertaining and a huge cost savings, Republican Mayor Merry urged other cities to take the same step Burqueville has taken to reduce the public health budget by having the police conduct target practice on our most unstable citizens, especially those with PTSD...

Dodgy Art Bar Finally Shuttered

All of us who are educated to Susana New Mexico standards and who have proudly displayed our third grade reading proficiency certificates know that art is exceptionally dangerous. We should avoid ahtsy fahtsie and those who create it as much as is humanly possible. That means on seeing a known artist, one should smile politely, lower one’s head, and without dispatch, cross to the other side of the street.

Think, if you will then, how really menacing and perilous art is when mixed with demon rum...

Weekly Poem: GRAMMAR LESSON EIGHT—Chapter Four: Nouns (Gerunds)

Verbs always push around
the nouns of this life

always doing stuff
we think of usually
as verbs

as actions—the word actions
a noun when verbs be-
come nouns when I sojourn forth
becomes sojourning
the fact that the sojourn journeys
forth into this darkness...

Susanuh’s Reading Scores

When Susanuh first took office, her reading scores absolutely sucked, but the voters liked her, so through this weird social promotion program called the vote, she assumed the mantle of governor.

Over the past four years, I’m weepingly proud to say, Susanuh has renounced social promotion, and she is now ready to read even the hardest words. She could read the names of each one of her potential challengers emblazoned across five grainy black and white pictures of Pirate Bill Richardson that appeared in her primary TV ad.  That was no sweat for Susanuh...

Suzilla

Here’s a synopsis of the latest hot monster film soon to be shot in New Mexico starring Bob Odenkirk as Suzilla the Great—

Not to worry about the thousand-year drought,  not to worry about cratering employment, not to worry about all the cop murders, not to worry about the starving, underachieving kids—Remember, the kingdom of New Whazzits is run by  Suzilla the Great who eats citizens. 

Like all monsters, Suzilla sees things in black and white. Are you edible?...

Time to Change the Cat Box!

I was floored to hear the only credible theory investigators have about the Valentine’s Day radiation release at the Waste Isolation Plant (WIPP) placed the finger of blame squarely on organic kittie litter “cellulose material” and nitrate salts that together melted the radiated junk in one of the drums.

Of course, I thought, it’s those damn hippies again with their organic cat litter. See what happens when they impose their self-righteous will on the rest of us by insisting that only organic kittie litter be used at WIPP?...

The Susana Martinez Bitchslap

Yo, little bitches, behind the scenes our sainted governor sure sounds like Breaking Bad’s Jesse Pinkman, always having to drop more dough in the cuss jar, Susana’s cuss jar that holds more money than New Mexico Social Services.

Don’t let that fool you, though. Not only does Suze not like social services, she still doesn’t like Hollywood either and she wants to make NM less attractive to these glamorous types.  They are not her business friends, all those actors and filmsy folk. That’s why she slashed the NM film budget, I guess.

Susana has a long list of stuff she doesn’t like and she wants to go all green eggs and ham on everything she hates just like Sarah Palin, her predecessor and mentor, just like Ted Cruz, her idol she adores...

Mark Rudd: The Albatross Around Alan Webber’s Neck (You Should Be Scared!)

Stop the presses. In a copyrighted story this morning, the Albuquerque Journal’s James Monteleone links those two forever political siamese twins, Santa Fe candidate for Gov., Alan Webber and far, far leftist Weather Undergroundie Mark Rudd. I for one am shaking in my boots, or my sandals, as the case may be. 

Rumor has it that in 1532 Rudd rode with Pancho Villa. Rumor has it that Rudd was spotted somewhere near a place where Fidel Castro coughed after lighting up a stogie. Rumor has it that some forty years ago Rudd didn’t like the little military scuffle in Vietnam one bit. Rumor has it that he became a terrorist who wanted to blow up government washrooms and buildings, which is probably why he ultimately became a math teacher at CNM.  Teachers are pretty much all terrorists, you know...

Hey, remember…

Hey, remember the New Mexico Commission on the Status of Women? Of course not.  Temporary Governor Martinez killed this stupid commission that served women thoughout the state with a line item veto that severed the funding.  That was one of her first and signal acts as Temporary Gov. Yippee KiowKaiyay!

Recently an article in the shamelessly liberal, slanted, and desperate Mother Jones quoted our soft and caring ersatz governor saying right before her blessed election, “What the hell is that?  What the hell does a commission on women’s cabinet do all day long?”...