The Susana Martinez Bitchslap

Yo, little bitches, behind the scenes our sainted governor sure sounds like Breaking Bad’s Jesse Pinkman, always having to drop more dough in the cuss jar, Susana’s cuss jar that holds more money than New Mexico Social Services.

Don’t let that fool you, though. Not only does Suze not like social services, she still doesn’t like Hollywood either and she wants to make NM less attractive to these glamorous types.  They are not her business friends, all those actors and filmsy folk. That’s why she slashed the NM film budget, I guess.

Susana has a long list of stuff she doesn’t like and she wants to go all green eggs and ham on everything she hates just like Sarah Palin, her predecessor and mentor, just like Ted Cruz, her idol she adores. 

Susana doesn’t like New Mexico women. She doesn’t like Hispanics. She doesn’t like poor people. She doesn’t like the homeless. She doesn’t like crazy people. She doesn’t like New Mexicans. She doesn’t like you. She doesn’t like me.

She does like the Koch Bros. though, her bosom buddies, who have dumped a ton of dough on Susana.  Now she feels virtually invulnerable and Susie is starting to turn a little golden from her intense Midas loyalties to the Koch folk.  

You can see the golden Susana in all her new, expensive primary election TV commercials. And she can wave her six million-dollar, Koch-manicured gilded fingernails in Alan Webber’s general direction accusing him of having  Mark Rudd on his side. She can sneer at Alan’s puny four-hundred grand campaign budget, and she can laugh at Alan Webber just as she laughs at all the dumb New Mexicans.

When the governor coughs, dough comes barfing out all over the place, suffocating everything Susana touches with money, money, money. When the governor walks, high denomination bills and coins spew in her wake. Starving little children, who she also hates, scramble for all that loot.  Susana doesn’t like this one bit and threatens the kids with arrest and detention. The brats should be off filling in bubbles on their test forms and not trying to grab Susana’s precious money.

All the governor wants is to give everyone in New Mexico the patented Susana Martinez Bitchslap (SMB). She can’t possibly do that herself, personally. She doesn’t have the time to bitchslap each and every one of us. That’s why she hired great, articulate spokespeople, people like Matt Kennicott who is the governor’s PR flak for state Human Services, Matt Kennicott, who thinks Lucky Varela is a retard.

Matt thinks everyone in the state is a retard except for  himself and for Golden Susana who remains out of touch, hermetically sealed away from everything New Mexican by all her gold,  removed from the life many of us here lead on the mean streets where there are no jobs, no possibilities, no future, where you can slash and be slashed, where, if you are lucky, you too can be a suicide by cop because your life has become a box canyon, and suicide seems preferable to life on the Susana Martinez streets. 

Meanwhile, the governor and her appointees continue to live in their own Kochish world, a world where New Mexico’s kids are all beefed up,  and happy as hell, where the kids fill in all the right bubbles on their endless tests, where dad doesn’t choke mom, doesn’t beat her up, doesn’t shoot her in the face to celebrate her birthday, where retards and loonies are just fairy tales.

(Photo of Susana Martinez by Steve Terrell)

This piece was written by:

James Burbank's photo

James Burbank

James Burbank has written and published over 200 articles for regional and national publications such as Reuters International News Service, The World & I Magazine, National Catholic Reporter, Farmer’s Almanac, Los Angeles Herald Examiner, La Opinion, New Mexico Magazine, Albuquerque Journal, Albuquerque Tribune. He is author of Retirement New Mexico, the best selling book published by New Mexico Magazine Press, now in its third edition. He is also author of Vanishing Lobo: the Mexican Wolf in the Southwest, published by Johnson Books.

As a professional writing consultant, he has written and edited publications, video and radio scripts, annual reports, and investment information for a wide variety of corporate clients. A Lecturer II for the Department of English, Burbank has specialized in teaching technical writing and professional writing. His interests extend from composition and writing theory to environmental and nature writing. He has played a leadership role in developing and implementing the English Department’s teaching mentorship program.

Contact James Burbank

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