New Mexico Mercury

WiseGuys

Some WiseGuys here in BurqueAlb are going to send UNM Ath-uh-letic Tzar Crawl Pebs $5 million dollars to turn the beloved Pit into one huge pizza pie.

The WisePizza will be thousands of sq. ft. and will feature a soft crust, anchovies, green chile, and pepperoni, extra cheese, please...

Screaming at the Mayor and City Council Is Where It’s At!

I really like it when ordinary citizens scream at city officials, there are mass demonstrations, people are arrested and carted off.

It seems when the civic volcano blows its top, that’s the only time the powers that be realize there’s a problem they must respond to.

Otherwise, the complacency is so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

Nothing really happens until the pressure builds again to the eruption point and citizens once more start screaming at officials.  That sure seems true regarding the Albuquerque Police Dept. crisis...

God Picks Candidates in This Here Legacy County, Bro

Are you for James Baird for County Sheriff?  God is for James Baird, and if you are anywhere near being a sane, decent, upstanding, thoughtful, God-fearing human being, you will be too. You see, here in Legacy County we all know God favors certain candidates.

He’s up there in the sky marking His ballot even now. You will receive by divine agency a pre-marked ballot showing God’s actual highlighting, his revealed choices in upcoming county and state races.

Don’t worry.  They’re all Republicans...

What Really Counts?

Rumor has it that Gubernatorial candidate Gary King is traveling around the state on a listening tour, hunkering down in every little burg and hamlet to hear people bitch about their problems. Doesn’t he get it?

These little people with their little issues don’t count anymore. The good and kind folks with the money are the People now. That and the companies are also Human.

If you have fifteen billion dollars, you are a human being. If you don’t have a job, or you are a teacher, or make less than two hunderd thou a year, you are just another member of the hoy polloy, the great unwashed, the ignorant masses, the general public...

U.S. Bank’s Wonderful Gift to UNM

U.S. Bank has just given the University of New Mexico $1.7 Million to buy luxury seating areas in the University’s sports complexes, so one percenters can sit on their fat butts, suck down their beer, and root for the Lobos. The “donation,” “bribe,” “payoff,” or whatever you call it is the brainchild of UNM athletic mastermind Craul Pebs.

“Screw education,” said Pebs, “We got dough, and that’s what counts!”...

New Mexico, Where Scotusocracy Rules

I love our new Scotusocracy here in beloved New Mexico, though it looks an awful lot like the political system in some other countries, if you ask me.

Bigtime experts say, democracy works thisaway: Two candidates with different views put their cases to the voters to decide which candidate seems best qualified. The voter is the decider, and this causes citizens to have lots of problems trying to choose which of the two to vote for. There are debates and two campaigns, and stuff like that, and it’s all just so very confusing and demanding. Thank God now we have a better way thanks to the Soopreme Court...

Revelations about New Mexico Poverty

Hey, guess what-- New Mexicans are poor! Isn’t that astounding?  I am gobsmacked. The 20.8 percent poverty increase between 2012-13 here has absolutely nothing to do with our governor. You see, poverty is very very complex, and our governor is very very simple. Remember that please.

One issue that keeps us back is small business finance. There’s only one place to get a business loan in New Mexico, and that’s Payday Loanster. Payday Loanster is owned by some good Arizona friends of the governor. The nice folks there at the local Loanster office will help you learn what signing in blood is all about...

Governor Promises to Finish Off NM

Why is our governor always surrounded by elementary school children? There she is on the cover of the Albuquerque Urinal for the thousandth time, and the picture could have been taken when she was running for governor the first time, or last month, for that matter.  

In fact that’s not the governor at all but a stand in that has been hired to do all the gov’s kid shots while the chief exec. is off destroying the educational system, beating homeless food stamp recipients into the caliche, selling our social services to Arizona, ripped up environmental protections, etc...

Whoa!

Let me tell you —People here in Alburg are very jealous of the little village of Placitas where romantic herds of free-standing, starving, thirsty horses in their thousands surround your car and threaten to kick in the door unless you surrender your water and your Cheetos. Thank you for granting me this moment of wild freedom, my beloved famished and parched stallion friends...

Bustin Says, “Goodbye Albuquerque, Land of Violence”

Everybody in Burqueville is talking about Bustin St. Germane who wrote a recent op. ed. piece in the lofty New York Times. Bayor Merry wants to shoot Bustin in the lips for saying what a violent place is our dear Albacore. In his piece, Bustin recited the whole litany about the police who kill the homeless and the teens who also kill the homeless.

Listen, I know Bustin Germane like the back of my hand. Bustin had a little teacher cubicle office right across the hall in the UNM English Dept. from my own cube, so we shared a lot, believe me. I got to know all of Bustin’s innumerable and intimate secrets...