New Mexico Mercury

Voting in the ABQ City Election Requires Your Provide an ID

When you go to vote in the upcoming municipal election, be sure to bring an ID with you. There is a lot of confusion out there about the procedure, but city elections require you bring a form of ID to the poll with you (driver’s license, student ID, credit card.)

Here’s how this came about...

Monetize the Rio Grande Now—Gotta Do It!

Our low profile, no controversy mayor has just released new plans for the Richard Berry Bosque Access Center (RBBAC) with the fifty story riverfront Disney Hotel complex and the Aldo Leopold Memorial ten-story parking structure, sculpture park, and miniature golf metroplex.

The project is slated to be built in the next two weeks before anyone has a chance to ask any unpleasant questions.  Contractors from Arizona have all been chosen, so don’t worry your pretty little head about all the noisome details...

A Sordid Tail of Campaign Abuse

Anyone who wants to witness the wonderful result of the Citizen’s United decision can just take a gander at what is going on in the District 2 City Council race where Isaac Benton faces Roxanna Meyers.

The city has never witnessed such a downright dirty, nasty attack campaign in a little old local race that usually features the kind of bland optimistic campaign statements about some general ways to promote the city and keep constituents happy...

Susana’s Brilliant Legacy

Make no mistake about it, Susana has learned a thing or two from her buddies the Koch bros. First she hired Catherine Torres to destroy the Dept. of Health. Since our wonderful gov. took office, case care workers who serve the most needy and helpless clients—folks with Downs Syndrome, the severely retarded, indeed anyone who can’t get by without help—these caregivers who are often family members, and are often the only support for the helpless, are now facing a huge paperwork increase to document in the minutest ridiculous detail every minute, every second, every nanosecond of their patient’s “progress"...

Cereal, or Syria, or Whatever

I think we should just get in there to Swaziland as quick as possible before the UN can say diddle squat to tell Adam, or Sadam, or Asad, or Borat, or what’shisface  to stop raising our gas prices and murdering his own people with postulations. We have lock-sure evidence he was the one who released sarin on all those folks who all look the same.

This is nothing like Iraq. This is nothing like Afghanistan. This is nothing like Viet Nam or New Jersey, for that matter...

Ligature Church loves you

Unless you are a member of Ligature Church and you are totally approved by Head Pastor Steve Smotherperson, don’t even think of running for Bernalillo County Sheriff because Jesus will bust you until the world looks level.

You see, God controls the law in Bernalillo County, so you had just better mind your Ps and Qs. As a matter of fact don’t even think of being a voter in Bernalillo County without belonging to Ligature Church. Remember last year, when Jesus personally handed out diplomas to all the new BC deputy cadets right here in good ol’ Ligature Church?...

Jerrymander

It’s no secret that Albuquerque retiree Jerrymander Ginsburg wants to buy the North Valley because he absolutely detests going in circles and he absolutely hates Isaac Benton who is running for city council in the Valley.

It seems Ike who was on the council before he was re-districted out of his elected position has been doing some terrible and evil things that renegade Democrat Jerrymander wants everbody to know about. This is why Jerrymander has given $40 grand to help some mysterious shadow group from outer space that has blanketed the North Valley with incredibly beautiful mailers...

The Supermen Gather at Tamaya: Paul and Eric, Chuck and Dave

As anybody who is anybody will tell you, last week Davey and Chuckie Koch had a warm get together at the Tamaya Resort with, “some of America’s greatest philanthropists and most successful business leaders to discuss solutions to out most pressing issues…”

In fact, Dave and Chuck needed a bit of privacy, so they could think about their great ethics in peace. The bros just rented the whole damn place and surrounded the idylllic resort with armed guards and dogs on chains foaming at the mouth to keep you and me from sniffing around and sharing some of the same air as the very special people were breathing out there in the magic desert Tamayaland...

The Inside Dope on Reinhold Reince Priebus and Hanna Scamdera

Reinhold Reince Priebus is really pissed off. The Grand Poobah of the Republican Party, Priebus doesn’t like it that CBS and CNN plan to air specials on former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Reince is very angry because these shows are really advertising for Hillary’s presidential campaign that she hasn’t announced yet. Reince has decided to take his football and go home. He’s been blubbering that the Republicans should refuse to air their scintillating presidential campaign debates on either network unless the media giants drop their plans to fete Hillary...

Right To Lifers on UNM Campus Spark Counter-protest

During the noon hour on Monday right to lifers put up twenty by ten ft. color pictures of mutilated and aborted fetuses along Central to convince students and faculty on UNM’s main campus that abortion is wrong. The protestors, who were mostly teenage girls, got a surprise, however, when ten adamant fetuses bearing their own placards descended on them...