New Mexico Mercury

Unless you are a member of Ligature Church and you are totally approved by Head Pastor Steve Smotherperson, don’t even think of running for Bernalillo County Sheriff because Jesus will bust you until the world looks level.

You see, God controls the law in Bernalillo County, so you had just better mind your Ps and Qs. As a matter of fact don’t even think of being a voter in Bernalillo County without belonging to Ligature Church. Remember last year, when Jesus personally handed out diplomas to all the new BC deputy cadets right here in good ol’ Ligature Church?

Some super-whiney types started to grouse that Ligature Church having such a relationship to the Sheriff’s office might conflict with the constitutional separation of church and state, but we usually just strangle such questions and those who dare speak their doubts as well. They don’t call us Ligature Church for nothing, bunkie.

Another thing-- I do hope you are right with Jesus, ‘cause if you aint, a deputy will bust your sorry ass and haul you in for a little round of divine justice where you will be hanged by the neck until you are dead, dead, dead.’ They don’t call us Ligature Church for nothing, bunkie.

On a lighter note let me provide you with this membership tithing agreement, so that you can join up with us and avoid legal persecution here in warm and fuzzy BC.

By the way, have you seen our very modern, spacious jail facility? Tours start on the hour. You can skip the tour and go right to our home page, though, by simply writing us a check in excess of a thousand clams, but that’s just a suggestion. You can also attend Rev. Smotherperson’s constitutional law symposium (mandatory for all new Church members), and naturally you will want to protect your rights by making out a quitclaim deed on any real property you own to either Rev. Smotherperson or Ligature Church.

Oh yes, and don’t forget to vote for the right sheriff’s candidate in the upcoming elections, so we don’t have to come over and pay you a friendly little visit.