New Mexico Mercury

Remember about three weeks ago when the Tea Party and other conservative groupies started screaming about how the IRS was picking on Sasquatch and his friends who were trying to educate the public about Ayn Rand’s secret recipe for fruitcake salad?

They were being singled out, they screamed, picked on and persecuted by Big Brother, who was actually off at a million dollar motivational conference in Hilo.

Well, hold onto your hats, the IRS, it turns out, when it was not partying, was also picking on progressive and liberal groups too. Can you imagine that?  The government was actually being even handed for once.  Evenhandedness and sober prudence may not seem very exciting, but they beat as the dual-chambered heart of precious conservative economic values, and hence today’s lesson in fiscal conservative economics that will wreak salvation on this wonderful land of ours. 

Please recall that we’re all about saving around here. The more we cut from the federal budget, the better we feel, and the more we smile because that money is going right into our pockets. Let’s take food stamps, for instance. Like Meals on Wheels, and other social welfare programs for parasites, food stamps just send the wrong message.

If you want to eat in the United States of America, you must work. Lazy, unemployed subhuman aliens who are just out conceiving and reproducing subhuman alien children—these are the ones who are benefiting by bleeding us dry in taxes to stuff their useless gullets with Pan Bimbo and Little Debbie Snack Cakes.

So let’s cut two billion from food stamps. That sends the right message.  If we are lucky, and we are, we can also derail the trillion-dollar farm bill. Being the wise and prudent folks who we are, being the conservative and upstanding sorts who like to see our ducks in a row, we are also very, very afraid of the aliens who are invading us and who want to change our way of life, and so it seems prudent, and so it seems wise to spend 30 billion for 20,000 new border agents, 18 surveillance drones, 350 miles of border fence to keep this foreign menace at bay.

At the end of the day we have saved two billion bucks and trashed useless agricultural subsidies worth a trillion bucks, and we will spend 30 billion to stave off the alien dread.  I don’t know about you, but I feel an overwhelming sigh of relief coming on because saving two billion and spending 30 billion really goes a long way to balancing the budget, and the fiscal wisdom of destroying a trillion bucks that supports a stupid thing like farming just makes good, solid sense.