One of the greatest and most intractable problems we face these days is what to do about our exploding population of oldsters. Some Progressive nitwits have suggested things are just fine and Social Security will not run out of money anytime soon. Conservatives know better and they have always raised the cry of alarm striking fear into the hearts of God-fearing people everywhere.
“The trust fund will go bust in the next few months if we don’t make radical program changes in the next fifteen minutes!” They intoned. “God wants us to do the right thing for future generations. Amen. “
These wise and thoughtful folk proposed that we do the right thing, and we start cutting back in little ways at first, and just keep pecking away, one little cut at a time, until Social Security in its full diminished glory would be tiny, weak, and manageable. Obama, being the devil he is, attempted to bargain with the wise Conservatives who, when the temptation to negotiate was placed in their way, rejected the wide road of compromise, and chose instead the narrow road of righteousness. No matter what Obama said, their answer was always the same—“No.”
A child was born of this odd amalgamation, this bizarre union of “Yes, we can!” and “No we can’t!” It was a brat named Sequester. The first thing, before the child could even walk or talk that Baby Sequester did, was to crawl on out into the world on all fours and make a tiny weentsie little babyknife cut to that inessential program, Meals on Wheels, that brings food to people who through their own stupidity and weakness are homebound. Clearly, on this Social Security issue I am most several steps to the right of Atilla the Hun.
As everybody who is anybody knows, America has always loved the vibrancy of youth. By nature and inclination we are an adolescent nation in love with love and good looks, and smiles revealing perfect pearly teeth.
Old people with their flab, their heavy breathing, and their forgetfulness, are not really American. They’re on the dole and just taking up space making the deficit worse every single minute of every single day. They also detract the rest of us from pursuing the prime directive to insulate ourselves with money, facelifts, and righteousness, eternally young, God-worthy and capable citizens who simply bleed an invisible aura of success from every single pore.
Of course, extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. My proposal that I offer here for the first time was given to me by God, I’ll have you know, so you should not raise any questions or have any doubts, and you should feel uniquely special because you are present during this historic moment. My exceptionally brilliant and thoughtful solution to the Social Security problem, which I owe all to God, as usual demonstrates that I believe not in a world as it is, but in a world as it could be, a world as it should be, a perfect world with no Social Security, no national debt, no old people to remind us of the unpleasant untruths of age.
My program is much cheaper than SS and capable of being much more inexpensive to run, capable of true efficiencies, a true extension of compassionate conservatism. Let’s please do ourselves a favor and just put all these old and warn-out people to sleep. We can do this and we can do this with dignity and in budget. It’s as simple as saying, “Yes, we can,” Each senior will get a Reardonite coffin free of charge and a decent burial. It’s the right thing to do.
Responses to “Social Security and the brat named Sequester”