It’s been a rough autumn in the news. From ISIS to reports that Tony Bennett is still alive, I for one am as depressed as ever. Other people are always saying, “Newspapers should run more positive stories, like about that nice young boy who picks up roadside garbage for free.” But other people don’t realize that no one—not even that parolee doing his time collecting trash—commits truly selfless deeds worthy of print.
No one, that is, except for me. For just as Rumpelstiltskin spun whole roomfulls of worthless straw into precious gold before it broke the camel’s back, so I want to puree leftover news into easy-to-swallow gold before anyone else chokes on it.
What follows are ten gristly issues that I have spiced into tastier news morsels. You won’t find discussion about these out-of-the-news-cycle topics anywhere else, unless of course you know how to use Google.
#10: The Audubon Society, which still relies on artists’ renderings of birds rather than just taking pictures on its company smartphone, declares that at least 314 of 588 bird species in North America will be threatened by climate change this century.
This announcement is a blow to those dedicated citizens who travel the country in hopes of spotting, against all odds, another loon. But to their children, this means liberation! No more must they spend vacations strapped to the back seat like brutalized hostages. By the year 2100, the only places their parents can drag them to observe some stupid birds will be the zoo.
Of course, like the dodo and Donald Trump’s hair follicles before it, most of these birds will be dead. Zoos will have to display taxidermied specimens and hope no one notices the difference. Which no one will, because as I discover every time I go to the zoo, any animal not picking its nose (I’m looking at you, cotton candy salesperson) is either asleep or hiding.
Zoos of the future can utilize this phenomenon to ensure their own longevity! Say that there is only one stuffed eagle in all of the United States, not counting whichever president is in office at the time. Zoos could pass around this specimen so that, at any given point, one zoo has a visible eagle. All the others would post a sign that reads, “The bald eagle’s stark white head helps camouflage it amongst the green pine trees of its native home—can YOU find it in this chicken-wire enclosure?”
This situation presents a win-win for zoos and patrons alike. The zoos save money on cleaning bird poop off their windows. In turn, they raise admission fees, thereby offering visitors a solid excuse not to buy the cotton candy.
Speaking of American ingenuity…
#9: A Tampa woman undergoes cosmetic surgery to add a third breast, for which she provides actual photographic evidence rather than an artist’s rendering. Within a day, several news outlets proclaim the feat a hoax, unless it isn’t, but it probably is.
Some railway trains draw power from a high-voltage third rail that runs alongside the tracks. Contact with it is often fatal. The term “third rail” has expanded to indicate any issue so charged as to be off-limits even to politicians.
I vote we change this term to “third breast,” because I ain’t touching this one.
Speaking of stuffing extra goodies in your shirt and wondering who will notice…
#8: Major League Baseball decrees that, starting in 2015, all stadiums must install walkthrough metal detectors or personnel with wands at all entrances.
I will admit, I’m a little worried about this direct move against intentional violence. It could spell the end of the full-contact hot dog races that Abner Doubleday so envisioned as an integral part of drawing hockey fans to baseball games. And you can say bye-bye to the T-shirt cannon, unless the grounds crew invents an equally effective plastic and/or plush model.
Ultimately, though, metal detectors are a good idea. Professional ballplayers are not allowed to use metal bats. By cutting down on metal in the stands as well, MLB is purifying the game, which (contrary to rumor) still takes place between the stadium commercials, Wrestlemania-quality player introductions, and trips to buy the $12 beers necessary to survive three high-decibel hours at a modern ballpark.
And that’s not even the biggest perk! If airport security teaches us anything, it’s that metal detectors will protect us from an unanticipated attack of being on time for anything, ever. When the game is about to start, you will still be waiting in line for your liberty-frisk. This means you will completely miss some failed American Idol contestant singing, with less irony and more notes than a Vivaldi concerto, about “the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave.”
Speaking of unfortunate finales…
#7: A highly anticipated top-ten list runs out of room before coming to an
(Photo by garghe)
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