New Mexico Mercury

Curator's note by Stevie Olson: This week, Elijah Bekaye shares two poems. The first piece, “How It Feels,” explores feelings of isolation and loneliness. Elijah’s carefully crafts this piece to bring the reader on an emotional journey. “To: The Reader,” the second poem, offers gentle encouragement with touches of wisdom. With the poem’s clever punctuation, it deserves the reader’s full attention and a second read--it is, after all, addressed to you. Elijah, thank you for your piece. We wish you well this summer and beyond.

How It Feels

Every moment, of every day,
I move through the world,
Never leaving where I am,
All I see is a windowless room.
 
Where I should see the world,
I see blankness,
Where I should see living,
I see myself.
 
Like a jail cell with the warden in the cot across me,
I sit, I sing, I scream, I stay quiet.
There are no ways out,
There is no other world beyond my room.
 
But the warden doesn’t know,
That I have a way out,
A way in,
An escape.
 
The warden falls asleep,
I slip on my armor,
Making sure the helmet covers my ears,
Pandora’s Box opens.

That 2 am feeling of wanting to jump out of your skin,
To let your soul dance and twirl under moonlit trees,
To feel the pulse of the moon on bare skin,
To live.
 
It comes to me,
As I a beggar and It a benevolent lord,
It comes to me,
It reminds me that I can escape.
 
I look up to the ceiling,
I see constellations of wood and plaster.
I look over the edge of my bed,
I watch the sea batter against weathered cliffs.
 
In the night, with the bass as high as it can go,
Replacing my heartbeat and buzzing in my bones,
I let myself sway, breathing the freedom of being tied down,
It feels like I can make it another day.
 
I close my eyes, radiating warmth in a cold cage,
I drown myself in voices,
And see my small world filter down through my own imaginings.
Knowing it’s not real, but taking what I can get
 
I stand at the edge of the cliff,
Reveling in the notes overriding my thoughts,
It feels like letting someone else drive,
Forgetting that I am a body and solely an entity of feelings.
 
I jump,
Feeling the sea spray cooling my face,
The wind singing in my ear,
The water inviting me down.
 
In this moment of finality

I have no fear,
I have no regrets,
I have no hunger,
I have no pain.
 
When I feel myself ready, I open my eyes,
Just before kissing the water,
The warden still sleeps,
The room still stands.
 
But now it is easier to smile,
I can sleep and face another day,
But now my hands itch with inspiration,
One day, I will let it out.
 
Until that day,
I readjust my headphones to cover my ears,
Rubbing my cold hands to warm them,
And let the music play.

To: The Reader

Stop.

(Take) it all in.

Not just (the happiness,)

Not just (the elation,)

Not just (the love,)

(Breathe) in the bitterness of winter,

Feel (the) searing heat of a (fire) at your back,

Feel the pain, hate and fear (in your belly.)

(Feel) it, bathe in it, drown yourself in (it.)

(Then,) come up.

And (realize) how beautiful life is.

(How amazing) it is when you know both halves.

When (you are,) the good and the bad.

(That), is when you take it all in.

That, (is) when you know life.

Because (living,) is not knowing only one side.

Living, is (crying and laughing.)

Hiding behind (that) laughter is good,

It (reminds you) that you can still laugh.

Crying does not mean (you’re) weak,

It is the first sign you are (alive).

(So stop.)

Read this over like picking (through good and bad memories.)

(Life begins,) when you know (it can end.)

(Take it) all in (while it lasts.)