Susana’s Other Grading System

January 22, 2014

By James Burbank

Good morning Case 3520. We are here to discuss your uh differently abled son.

Can you stand a pleasant little surprise this morning? Good, because the Administration wishes to discuss some wonderful news with you, Case 3520, news that will doubtless change your life forever! I can see the excitement behind the tears in your narrow, beady eyes. Good.

I gather from the Administration paperwork that you have been caring for your son, cleaning him, preparing his meals, feeding him, changing his linen, etc., etc. for the past twenty years.

Now the Administration has to ask in a case like this, what would Jesus do? Jesus would set up an evaluation system based on a series of highly professional tests that we have just cooked up. Whether it’s correcting child education or dealing with disabled deadbeats and moochers, the answer is always Jesus and the Evaluation System. And guess what?

Your son has scored an A on his recent rigorous examinations. Most of the kids in our wonderful educational system can’t get above a low D, but your profoundly disabled son scored an A in our great human services unit ranking schema. Think of it. Aren’t you even more excited and proud, aren’t you just a teensy weensy bit proud? The Administration loves you. Remember that.

The Administration loves the little kids too with their big smiles, their shining innocent eyes, their crappy grades, and their perpetually growling stomachs. As always, we had to ask what would Jesus do? That’s why we took away their free school lunches. They have to concentrate on their standardized tests. Eating is just time away from the Great Task.

In regards to your situation, Case 3520, we here at the Administration are quite concerned about your son’s freedom, his liberty. We also think you have been freeloading off the great state of New Mexico and what remains of the federal government by getting a monthly check for sitting around all day looking at game shows and eating bonbons, but don’t trouble your little head about that because we are terminating your payments forthwith. Time to get up off that fat arse of yours and join the out-of-workforce.

Your son’s wonderful grade means he will be going through mainstreaming indoctrination, and some other great news—your son will have a new address! He won’t be here sucking up space in your house anymore. He will be living in a dumpster behind the Walgreen’s at Girard and Central where he will receive life skills adjustment from a new out-of-state corporation the Administration has just hired. So good luck with that, and don’t bother to thank us.

This piece was written by:

James Burbank

James Burbank has written and published over 200 articles for regional and national publications such as Reuters International News Service, The World & I Magazine, National Catholic Reporter, Farmer’s Almanac, Los Angeles Herald Examiner, La Opinion, New Mexico Magazine, Albuquerque Journal, Albuquerque Tribune. He is author of Retirement New Mexico, the best selling book published by New Mexico Magazine Press, now in its third edition. He is also author of Vanishing Lobo: the Mexican Wolf in the Southwest, published by Johnson Books.

As a professional writing consultant, he has written and edited publications, video and radio scripts, annual reports, and investment information for a wide variety of corporate clients. A Lecturer II for the Department of English, Burbank has specialized in teaching technical writing and professional writing. His interests extend from composition and writing theory to environmental and nature writing. He has played a leadership role in developing and implementing the English Department’s teaching mentorship program.